maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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