There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
