Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
