I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
