i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
