I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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