Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
