I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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