Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
