If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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