and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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