do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
