I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
