My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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