i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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