found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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