Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
