the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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