Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
