So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
