6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
