I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
