Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
