Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
