my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
