i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Randomize
