I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
