Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
