He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
