Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
