Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
