the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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