You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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