Redeem this text for a blowjob
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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