Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
