i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
