yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
