im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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