They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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