Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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