I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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