The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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