I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
