just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
