she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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