I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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