There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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