I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
