im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
