You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
