he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
